I Dream In Color

Last night, I had a dream that I got a job with the law firm where I was interviewed last week. The office was a medium size general practice firm who, just like everybody else, informed me they would let me know of a decision within two weeks. First thing I remember in my dream is showing up to the office and talking to the other associates. I don't know why I was there but the associates were talking to me as if I'm also their co-worker. I told them I'm not sure if I should even be here because I don't think I made the cut. One of them said we can always check the wall. Apparently, a framed group picture shows all the employees. I was certain I wasn't going to be in the picture because I was never photographed. Everyone was wearing casual clothes and it appeared to have been taken at a park.  After looking closely, I saw myself in the far background wearing an over-sized white shirt and a pair of jeans. I was surprised to see myself but later felt elated and excited. The feeling was similar to seeing my name in the pass list of the bar exam website. I was just able to breathe easier. After believing I worked there, we checked to see the note our managing partner gave us. The note read something to the effect of  "You guys all did a great job! Take today to socialize among yourselves!" We were all ecstatic. I was conversing with the staff and talking about how I'm just glad to be here and how tough it was looking for work. Next thing I remember is we were heading to the airport for a nice getaway. When I was boarding the plane, I finally woke up. Reality set back in quickly and it felt like everything was taken away from me. I wanted to close my eyes, hoping I can get back on that plane but I stayed awake. I knew it wouldn't change anything.

People in court

Yesterday, I made another appearance. My boss called me early in the morning asking if I can make it to court in less than two hours. I told him I can appear so I just had a small bowl of Frosted Flakes before changing and heading to work. My time in court went longer than expected. The judge arrived in her bench half an hour late. There was a somewhat erratic defendant in the courtroom. A man approximately 6 feet tall with a very hefty build in his late 20s or early 30s,  approached the bailiff and was asking about his case. When the bailiff told him he would need to sit back down and wait, the man raised his voice and said something to the extent, "Who the hell are you?!" The man was accompanied by his father who was trying to calm him down. The defendant eventually went outside  where he was met with additional officers. The father explained to the bailiff, who was still inside the courtroom, that he didn't take his medicine today. Apparently, he was there for his arraignment. When his name was called, he was surrounded by the officers just in case there would be a fiasco. The judge talked about his case and eventually he was ordered to come back on another date. He left the courthouse but the officers didn't escort him.

Regret

"We regret to inform you that you were not selected to move forward in our hiring process..We wish to thank you for your interest in [our office] and for the opportunity to discuss the position with you. Our human resources department will keep your file for one year after the original filing date. You may update your file anytime through [our website.]

Please accept our best wishes for success in your employment goals.

Sincerely,
[The same office who worked your ass off  during your first year in law school only to say better luck never. Obviously, it's not even who you know, what you know, or what you did for us that can help land a job. Therefore, you'll be even more at a loss for what employers want.] "

At least they didn't use the word "endeavour." My sadness and disappointment wasn't that deep when I got the official word. After so many rejections, I've become somewhat desensitized to failure. However I'm still human. I cut. I bleed. I feel. I am. I had a feeling from my last post that I wasn't going to get it.   I sat in my car for about half an hour, just staring into the steering wheel, wondering where I'll be going from here on out.

A month has gone by..

since my last post. I've been meaning to write more but I figured people would be bored at this point  reading the same thing. (Appearances here and there; still looking for a full-time gig.) I know I would.

I did land two interviews with one of them being from that government office where I used to work. The interview was more of the same but I emphasized how I enjoyed my experience working for that office and was name-dropping a few colleagues hoping they will ask them and get a response something to the effect, "Oh yeah, I remember JDA. He's a great worker. Hire him!" For the first time in an interview, I was asked if I had been receiving any CLEs. I told them I haven't been taking any CLE courses but I've attempted to keep current via daily briefs emailed and other internet sources.. I wanted to say, "Look, the CLEs you're talking about cost money and that's money I don't have right now."  I called the office this morning just to check  my status. The guy told me they'd be emailing notices today for the people who made the first cut. He couldn't find my file immediately but I told him it's alright. I was opening my email account hourly hoping to see that yellow marker you get in your gmail account. You know the one that's labeled "important." It's 10:00 pm and I haven't received anything. Either state employees are working long into the night or I didn't make the cut. Now, I'm only waiting to receive the official news and seeing that word 'endevour' again.

I was also asked a similar question during the other interview. It was for a private personal injury firm.  They wanted to know what was I doing from the time I was licensed as an attorney to the time I've been making appearances. I told them bluntly I was looking for work. They didn't seem shocked by my answer as they received many applications from attorneys who have been barred for a couple years and still haven't landed a job. They informed me I should be hearing their response within a couple weeks, however I already know I'll see 'endevour' or some synonym too.

More stuff

Made a couple appearances last week and for the first time, I was involved in plea negotations. My boss explained to me what the client wanted so I just had to talk with the DDA about getting a deal. I explained to the her a brief synopsis of the case and that our client has no prior records. A lot of times, the prosecution doesn't know the details of the charge until the date closer to the preliminary trial. Eventually, we worked on a tentative resolution where our client would plead to the charge , complete a program for one year, and pay a considerable amount of fines. If our client complies, then the plea will be withdrawn and the case dismissed. It seems like a good deal to me but of course the client has to decide.

I also heard back from one of those government offices again. It was the same office that rejected me in the past. They just asked if I still wanted to be considered for the position and of course I said yes. They informed me someone will contact me within a few weeks to schedule an interview. [Hmmm, this pattern keeps repeating itself.] I don't have my hopes up because at this point I realize there are things beyond my control. I'll take it for what it is: a phone call about a "possible" interview.

What else?

The more I visit this page, the more I feel things are slipping away from me. I sent an email to that attorney whose secretary told me they'd call back as soon as possible. I bet I'm never hearing from them.

I checked my outbox dating all the way back when I first sent a job application as an attorney. I remember I was so excited and proud to be signing Esquire at the end of my name.  It was just a craigslist job posting that didn't respond. Figures how this pattern would persist to this day. It's only been a little over a year but when you're jobless,life moves much slower. Ironically, however, it still feels like your're running out of time quickly.

Playground Rules

I mentioned in my previous post how I looked up attorneys' information from the state bar website. I also searched the whereabouts of friends, former colleagues, and various people I met during law school related functions. Nearly all of these people graduated from highly recognized universities. I discovered more of their addresses are registered to law offices. Of course, it doesn't necessarily mean they are employed as attorneys, however their linkedin profiles list themselves as associates for those offices.

When I see people getting jobs, feelings of disappointment reemerge. I'm happy for those people but I always have to exhale some frustration. It's like going back to the playground days when everybody is lined up next to each other and one by one they're being picked to play except you.  I was always the smallest kid and I'm sure it's the reason why I was overlooked so many times. Let me tell you however, I was real good when I got  to be in the game. After a few games, people who saw me play would pick me for their team.

In this job market, people are already playing and I'm on the sidelines waiting for the next game. Maybe it's the size thing again as I didn't graduate from one of those top 25 or whatever US News Rankings school that employers want that's getting me overlooked but I do know I'm just as good or if not better than attorneys out there. Just to got to get into the game...